A Russian is informing the KGB. “I think my neighbors have suspicious contact with the West.”
KGB agent: “How can you tell?”
Russian: “I hear them eating every night!”
- Farm worker: Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God!
- Stalin: But God does not exist.
- Farm worker: And neither do the potatoes.
Two former schoolmates met in the street.
"Where do you work?"
"I am a school teacher. And what about you?"
"I work for the KGB."
"Oh, and what are you doing at the KGB?"
"We unearth those who are dissatisfied."
"You mean, there are also some who are satisfied?""Those who are satisfied are dealt with by the Division for the Fight Against the Embezzlements of the Socialist Property."
A man came home and found his wife in bed with a stranger. Furious, the man shouted, “You, good-for nothing, look at what you’re spending your time for, while at the corner store they’re selling eggs, and they have only three boxes left!”
Karl Marx was resurrected and came to the USSR. He was shown factories, hospitals, cities and villages, etc. Finally, he requested to be allowed to make a speech on TV. The Politburo hesitated as they were afraid he might say something they wouldn’t approve. Marx promised he would say only one sentence. Under this condition, the Politburo agreed. Karl Marx uttered the following sentence: “Workers of all countries, forgive me.”
- Sophia: What's your favorite color? (I don't know why she asked this, she just did)
- Soviet Dad: Favorite colors don't exist.
- Sophia: Yes they do. If you had to choose between a red shirt and a blue shirt, which would you choose?
- Soviet Dad: The blue one.
- Sophia: Why?
- Soviet Dad: because of Communism.
- I then came to a realization that my dad does not own any clothes that are red.
- We asked him if he was serious.
- He was.
Marx, Engels and Lenin are in a bar, discussing whether it’s better to have a wife or a mistress.
Marx immediately says he would prefer a wife, while Engels says a mistress is far superior. Lenin laughs at both of them and says he wants both. “How will you have time for anything else?” asks Marx.
“Simple,” says Lenin, “I will tell my wife I’m going to my mistress, I’ll tell my mistress I’m going to my wife, and I’ll hide in my study and learn, learn, learn!”
(the funny part is that’s what he actually did before the October revolution, when he hid in Switzerland)
Brezhnev was hosting a Chinese minister and the Chinese asked him
how things were going with the Soviet economy.
"Let me put it this way," replied Brezhnev. " Reagan has 100 advisers and one of them is a spy but he doesn’t know which one."
"Mitterand has 100 mistresses and one of them has AIDS but he doesn’t know which one."
"I have 100 economists and one of them is smart but I don’t know which one."